Blog Navigation

I Can't Want To

“I Can’t Want to”

     When we first adopted our 4yr old son he could only say a few words in English. His French speaking 70 yr old foster mom was instructed by the Children’s Services at the time to speak to him only in English - a language she was not comfortable with. As a result, he could say “yes” and “no” and only a few other words. Because of his background, he struggled early on with a very defiant personality and when asked to do something he would often respond by shouting, “I can’t want to!”. Of course, the first question that would come to my mind was, “You can’t, or you don’t want to? Which is it?” In my infinitely wise parenting mind, I assumed this was just another act of defiance. Either he didn’t want to, or he refused to do what was asked because he felt like he couldn’t. That first year was rough. But as time progressed I began to realize, this was not the anthem of a defiant miscreant straight out of Lord of the Flies, this was the heart cry of a child struggling with wanting to do right but having no desire to. “I can’t even want to”. Suddenly, this struggling child’s story and my story merged. Even today, as an adult believer in Jesus Christ, I understand the blessing that comes with obedience to the Word of God. But sometimes, I experience the defeat of “I can’t want to”. There just seems at times, to be no desire in me to want to do what is right.

     The Gospel speaks powerfully into this struggle. Through the miracle of the new birth, God changes our hearts. Where once we were powerless and incapable of responding to God through our unbelief, now, because of Christ, we can “want to” do what God wants. This “want to” includes a heart that desires to do what pleases God out of gratitude for His amazing grace. But often, we forget all of His benefits (Psalm 103:2). And so Paul reminds us in his letter to Titus, in Titus 2:11, “ For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age…” Grace “trains” us or teaches us to renounce wrong and embrace right as we reflect on God’s mercy and deliverance through Jesus. As we meditate on the sheer wonder of God taking the initiative to love us through Christ when we didn’t deserve to be loved, our hearts soften with gratitude that causes us to “want to” respond to God in grateful obedience. So, remember, if you have repented of your sin and trusted in Christ for forgiveness and new life, you no longer “can’t want to”. God has changed your powerless unresponsive heart to one that desires to respond to Him. Remember His glorious Gospel of redeeming grace. Sing to yourself songs of this free grace, and so fan into flame the gratefulness out of which glad obedience flows.

Upon the cross of Jesus
mine eye at times can see
the very dying form of One
who suffered there for me:
and from my stricken heart with tears
two wonders I confess,
the wonders of redeeming love
and my unworthiness.